I would love to get some feedback on the ideas presented in this blog post, as I the ideas are so divergent from what I've always been taught.
http://careynieuwhof.com/2013/01/the-truth-about-how-consensus-kills-courage/
Ideas like this should not be accepted or rejected without intense scrutiny.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
The Missing Ingredient...
In my last post, "Not Everything Is Beneficial", I wrote about how I feel like I have a lesson to learn. I was intentionally vague, but I think I have learned a few things, so here is an update.
I was preparing to teach Sunday School over the weekend, (our parent's group talks about what our kids are learning and how we can apply those lessons on an adult level) so I was reviewing the preschool and elementary curriculum. The elementary kids were going to be learning about Ruth, and how she determined to help Naomi even when it was difficult, while the preschoolers would be learning that God forgives us for our bad choices, from the story of the sinful woman who washed Jesus' feet. Putting the two side by side I saw something that has been missing from my well intentioned, but not so well received, interactions: Compassion.
Jesus had a heart full of compassion for the woman who washed his feet, no matter what she had done. When he wanted some alone time after finding out his cousin had been beheaded, the crowds followed him. Rather than turn them away, he had compassion on them. Looking toward Jerusalem during the journey that would lead to his crucifixion, he longed to gather her children together like a hen gathering chicks under her wings... He tackled problems and dealt with messy people, but had great compassion.
(Note: There was also a time for flipping over tables, and calling religious leaders vipers... But Jesus had the discernment to know what emotional state would be most edifying in each situation)
So, here is some of the context that brought me to this place of learning... I installed a new computer network for my employer. It was a much needed upgrade, the first in 14 years, which is an eternity in the computing world. Installation was a challenge, as I have never done this kind of work before, but installation was nothing compared to helping people who had done things the same way for a decade and a half over the learning curve.
So much was new and different and they were all overwhelmed. There was also the issue of the backlog that was created at my desk while I spent weeks as an IT guy instead of being a paralegal. The first few days I was patient and understanding, genuinely believing in all the good things that the updated system would do for my employers and coworkers. Then after 3 days of feeling like I had repeated myself over and over, while getting little to none of my own work done, I started getting exasperated. I was short and to the point, instead of cheerful. Rather than extolling the virtues of the new system, or helping people get excited about the changes, I accomplished the task as quickly as possible and moved on. I had surgical precision, but terrible bedside manner. Everyone else who was already struggling with the changes now had to deal with my lack of compassion. The person they were looking to for help, for comfort in their distress, was surly and short with them. Pleas for help turned into complaints, and my assistance was shunned...
My "Aha" moment came when I realized that I have done the same thing at my church...
I was put in charge of some long overdue upgrades to an old system, and helping people through the transition was something that I did with great joy... at first. But as weeks of transition turned into months, and as I ran out of was to rephrase the information, I transitioned from joyful to surgical, from compassionate to precise, from patient to edgy, from pleasant to blunt...
It took the trustworthy wounds of multiple friends to get through to me that my manner was damaging the message. People that were hesitant to accept help or transition from cheerful Charlie, were never going to accept it from grumpy Charlie. There may have been some places along the way where some tables needed to be flipped, or some things needed to be called out, but I had gotten stuck in table flipping mode, and was giving off an attitude that said, "I'll try being nicer when you try being smarter". Thus my suggestions, no matter how precise or accurate I may have thought they were, became something unedifying, because of the emotions with which they were conveyed.
To sum my learning thus far: Basically, it is not just what I say, but how I say it. It is not just my motivation, but the emotions I convey. If I can't bring all the pieces together (why, how, attitude and emotional state) it may be best to wait, pray, double check my own eyes for logs and respond when I can do so with the shrewdness of a serpent and the innocence of a dove.
That is not to say that I am done learning on this topic, but I think I have figured out part of the equation. Now I am looking forward to refining this, putting it into practice, and reconciling with some people I have offended.
I am also looking forward to your feedback.
I was preparing to teach Sunday School over the weekend, (our parent's group talks about what our kids are learning and how we can apply those lessons on an adult level) so I was reviewing the preschool and elementary curriculum. The elementary kids were going to be learning about Ruth, and how she determined to help Naomi even when it was difficult, while the preschoolers would be learning that God forgives us for our bad choices, from the story of the sinful woman who washed Jesus' feet. Putting the two side by side I saw something that has been missing from my well intentioned, but not so well received, interactions: Compassion.
Jesus had a heart full of compassion for the woman who washed his feet, no matter what she had done. When he wanted some alone time after finding out his cousin had been beheaded, the crowds followed him. Rather than turn them away, he had compassion on them. Looking toward Jerusalem during the journey that would lead to his crucifixion, he longed to gather her children together like a hen gathering chicks under her wings... He tackled problems and dealt with messy people, but had great compassion.
(Note: There was also a time for flipping over tables, and calling religious leaders vipers... But Jesus had the discernment to know what emotional state would be most edifying in each situation)
So, here is some of the context that brought me to this place of learning... I installed a new computer network for my employer. It was a much needed upgrade, the first in 14 years, which is an eternity in the computing world. Installation was a challenge, as I have never done this kind of work before, but installation was nothing compared to helping people who had done things the same way for a decade and a half over the learning curve.
So much was new and different and they were all overwhelmed. There was also the issue of the backlog that was created at my desk while I spent weeks as an IT guy instead of being a paralegal. The first few days I was patient and understanding, genuinely believing in all the good things that the updated system would do for my employers and coworkers. Then after 3 days of feeling like I had repeated myself over and over, while getting little to none of my own work done, I started getting exasperated. I was short and to the point, instead of cheerful. Rather than extolling the virtues of the new system, or helping people get excited about the changes, I accomplished the task as quickly as possible and moved on. I had surgical precision, but terrible bedside manner. Everyone else who was already struggling with the changes now had to deal with my lack of compassion. The person they were looking to for help, for comfort in their distress, was surly and short with them. Pleas for help turned into complaints, and my assistance was shunned...
My "Aha" moment came when I realized that I have done the same thing at my church...
I was put in charge of some long overdue upgrades to an old system, and helping people through the transition was something that I did with great joy... at first. But as weeks of transition turned into months, and as I ran out of was to rephrase the information, I transitioned from joyful to surgical, from compassionate to precise, from patient to edgy, from pleasant to blunt...
It took the trustworthy wounds of multiple friends to get through to me that my manner was damaging the message. People that were hesitant to accept help or transition from cheerful Charlie, were never going to accept it from grumpy Charlie. There may have been some places along the way where some tables needed to be flipped, or some things needed to be called out, but I had gotten stuck in table flipping mode, and was giving off an attitude that said, "I'll try being nicer when you try being smarter". Thus my suggestions, no matter how precise or accurate I may have thought they were, became something unedifying, because of the emotions with which they were conveyed.
To sum my learning thus far: Basically, it is not just what I say, but how I say it. It is not just my motivation, but the emotions I convey. If I can't bring all the pieces together (why, how, attitude and emotional state) it may be best to wait, pray, double check my own eyes for logs and respond when I can do so with the shrewdness of a serpent and the innocence of a dove.
That is not to say that I am done learning on this topic, but I think I have figured out part of the equation. Now I am looking forward to refining this, putting it into practice, and reconciling with some people I have offended.
I am also looking forward to your feedback.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Not Everything is Beneficial
So apparently I have a lesson to learn.
I am in process, so this post is not going to be about what I have learned, but rather what I am trying to learn. By blogging, I'm hoping to organize my thoughts a bit, and get some peer review.
I think the lesson I need to learn revolves around 1 Corinthians 10:23 "All things are lawful, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful, but not all things edify." (NASB)
It seems lately that doing what is arguably the "right" or "lawful" thing, has caused unintended consequences.
Someone presents a problem. I see a solution. I am stirred with compassion, and have a strong desire to help, so I start proposing solutions... Then something goes wrong, (and this is the part I am working on) and people get annoyed with me. Like my input somehow offends them.
My normal response to this would be to get indignant, and say, "Fine if you don't want my help then why are you telling me about your problem!" After all, my fifth grade teacher (Mrs. Myrtle Spencer, a former military woman turned teacher) made it abundantly clear that we were not to complain unless we were willing to work toward solving the problem...
But this has been happening so often lately that I think a re-think is in order... Maybe the fifth grade philosophy needs a second look.
Could it be that there is a time to speak and a time to remain silent? Could it be that not every problem I hear about needs to be solved by me ASAP.
Could it be that I have a pride issue and that there something condescending my approach to helping others?
Could it be that in certain circumstances helping is lawful, but not beneficial, or edifying? If so, how on earth (or in heaven) do I tell the difference?
I am sure there are other possibilities as well...
So I am convinced (or maybe convicted is a better word) There is a lesson hear to be learned. I am not sure that I have framed the question well, but the obscurity is necessary to protect the innocent. I'm not complaining about anyone, I'm trying to re-think a long established pattern in how I interact with people, because my way seems to be hurting more than helping, and I really do want to "do only what us useful for building others up according to their needs".
Any suggestions?
I am in process, so this post is not going to be about what I have learned, but rather what I am trying to learn. By blogging, I'm hoping to organize my thoughts a bit, and get some peer review.
I think the lesson I need to learn revolves around 1 Corinthians 10:23 "All things are lawful, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful, but not all things edify." (NASB)
It seems lately that doing what is arguably the "right" or "lawful" thing, has caused unintended consequences.
Someone presents a problem. I see a solution. I am stirred with compassion, and have a strong desire to help, so I start proposing solutions... Then something goes wrong, (and this is the part I am working on) and people get annoyed with me. Like my input somehow offends them.
My normal response to this would be to get indignant, and say, "Fine if you don't want my help then why are you telling me about your problem!" After all, my fifth grade teacher (Mrs. Myrtle Spencer, a former military woman turned teacher) made it abundantly clear that we were not to complain unless we were willing to work toward solving the problem...
But this has been happening so often lately that I think a re-think is in order... Maybe the fifth grade philosophy needs a second look.
Could it be that there is a time to speak and a time to remain silent? Could it be that not every problem I hear about needs to be solved by me ASAP.
Could it be that I have a pride issue and that there something condescending my approach to helping others?
Could it be that in certain circumstances helping is lawful, but not beneficial, or edifying? If so, how on earth (or in heaven) do I tell the difference?
I am sure there are other possibilities as well...
So I am convinced (or maybe convicted is a better word) There is a lesson hear to be learned. I am not sure that I have framed the question well, but the obscurity is necessary to protect the innocent. I'm not complaining about anyone, I'm trying to re-think a long established pattern in how I interact with people, because my way seems to be hurting more than helping, and I really do want to "do only what us useful for building others up according to their needs".
Any suggestions?
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