Hope vs. Vision

In my quest to move and re-think, I like to read.  I read blogs, I read books, I subscribe to e-mail lists, and follow those who think differently on Facebook or YouTube.  One recent addition to my list is the Verge Network.  The basic premise of the folks at Verge is that God's idea for the church was not that it be a place that we go, but that church is a community of people with the same mission.  While most churches would agree with those words, the ways we live and the ways we operate tell the truth about what we really believe the church is all about.

Anyway, signing up for their e-mail news letter has given me access to a huge list of free e-books, one of which is called ,Righteous Brood', by Hugh Halter.  The e-mail discussing this free resource was particularly intriguing to me, and the book is only about 62 adobe reader pages long, so I set aside my Andy Stanley reading, and dove in.

At just about the half way point, Mr. Halter (who I occasionally disagree with) said something that really caught my attention.  He was talking about the difference between Hope and Vision.  Hopes, he argues, are "just emotional wishes that we hold out for.  Vision on the other hand is designed to actually change the future... Vision is the ability to see what God wants and move people toward His desired goal in any situation"

I've been having a hard time with certain things in life, and I've been asked about certain situations, whether or not I have hope.  Honestly I tend toward pessimism. Hope is something I have to work at.  When 1st Corinthians 13 tells me that "love always hopes" I cringe a little and know I have lots of room to grow.  But this quote resonates with me, because what I lack in hope, I make up for in Vision.  I may be a pessimist when it comes to where things are, or where they will be if nothing changes, but I am always ready with ideas for how to make them different.

Personally I think it is hard to share hope, without sharing vision.  When you tell a sick person 'I hope you feel better,' it is no where near as comforting as when their doctor says, 'here is the plan for how we are going to take you from sick to healthy.' One offers an "emotional wish" the other is "designed to actually change the future".  Which one actually offers hope?

I think James talked about this in his epistle, when he said "if a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking daily food, and one of you says to them, 'Go in peace, be warmed and be filled,' without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that?"  Like empty words to an empty stomach is hope without vision.

So when we think of our kids, do we think, I hope they avoid tragedy, find a godly spouse, get a good job, settle into a safe neighborhood, find a good church etc.?  Do we step it up a notch and 'hope' they will take risks for God and make a difference in the world?  Or do we stop and think about how to make those things happen? Do we dare to ask God what his vision for our family is? Do we make the tough and uncomfortable choices that will result in those things becoming reality?

When we think of our churches, do we hope for unity, do we hope that people will act like a body, do we hope for more people to come to know Jesus, for lives to be changed, and the next generation to walk through the door? Or are we willing to come up with a vision that says, this is who we want to reach, this is how we plan to reach them, this is how we will disciple them, here are the steps that build faith, and here are some next steps each of us should be taking.

When we think of or marriages do we hope he will pick up his socks and she will make sure clean ones are mated? Do we hope for intimacy, for romance, for like-mindedness, and trust.  Or do we come up with a plan do build those things brick by brick, in sickness and in health, in riches and in poverty, for better or worse.

When I have vision I have hope.

Where there is no vision, people perish.

Thoughts from the Orange Conference - Parents

Part two of my thoughts from the Orange Conference.  These bullet points represent the ideas and inspiration from the conference that relate to how I interact with the parents of the teens I work with, but also how I try to help the parents in our church take a more active role in partnering with the church to fulfill the great commission.

• Ask parents why they personally need the church.
• Ask parents “what would make the church such an indispensable part of your life that you would beg your friends to give it a try?”
• Take a video of each parent saying “I am ___________, I am a parent and I partner with the church because _____________.”
• Think: Going orange isn't about refining or adding programs.  Adding programs is how you go more yellow.  Going Orange requires the church to elevate the red.
• Think: What if going orange doesn't mean obligating families to another program or night out, but showing red that we believe that they are essential to the strategy of the church.
• Think: in terms of empowering red, rather than instructing it.
• Build relationships of trust with parents by communicating, by excellence, by connecting them to a small group leader, by creating opportunities for parents and kids to make memories together, by pointing them to resources, by planning some of your teaching based on their input, and by being available to give guidance.
• Ask parents what faith skills they need help teaching their kids, plan your ministries around these felt needs, and parents will be much more likely to partner with you.
• Partner with parents to create a list of annual spiritual mile stones (steps) for their kids from cradle to college, plan your ministry around these, and review them frequently.
• Provide a visual that will help us all remember that the days we have with kids are numbered.
• Match-make partnerships and inter-generational relationships for kids, and for parents.
• Remember that vision fades with age.  Ask the next generation what they need in order to be ministers to their peers.

Now hopefully something you just read inspired or intrigued you.  If so, please post a comment so we can talk.

I Am So Selfish

Have you ever noticed how whatever uncomfortable thing you are going through seems to be the biggest problem in the world?  We can easily convince ourselves that no one has been through anything quite like what we are going through now. 

We recognize this in our kids.  Each bump or bruise, each time they don't get what they want, they react like the world is coming to an end.  They make the problem a million times bigger that what it really is. 

Let me give you an example.  My 2 year old fell and bruised his knee.  At first he cried loudly and told me that he was going to die.  Then he was convinced for 2 days that we needed to go to the doctor and get crutches for him.  In reality the bruise was smaller than a dime, and he can run, jump and play like he always has.

But don't we do the same thing?  Our perspective may be a bit bigger, so we focus on different issues.  But if the problem is on the higher end of what we have experienced, then we act like my 2 year old.  (or maybe this is just me)

Case and point.  My wife has been gone for 3 weeks.  Many people tell me I am crazy for letting her go, and know I am crazy when I tell them it was my idea that she go.  In the midst of this 3 week experience I've been overwhelmed with the playing the role of both dad and mom, and moving to a new home without her.  Even after all of the amazing help she gave by getting our move ready and arranging the schedule of baby sitters, I have been amazed at the difficulty of life without my spouse. Friends and family come up to me with concerned looks, ask me how I'm doing, cook meals for me like someone is in the hospital, men shake their heads and tell me they are terrified to have their wife gone for 3 hours, let alone 3 weeks...

Don't get me wrong I really appreciate the support.  More than words can say. My purpose is not to criticize anyone but myself.  This has been on the difficult fringe of my spectrum of experience.  But how does it compare to the experiences of others all around me.  When a member of the military deploys for months at a time, do I respond with the same amount of love and support people have shown  me?  My spouse is on a glorified vacation for almost a month, theirs will be at war for months at a time.  I have a new level of appreciation for our men and women in uniform, and a much deeper respect for those they leave behind.

But even as I think of them, there is another type of person who deserves more love and support from me.  When I think of the military spouse, I feel foolish for making my recent experience seem so harrowing. As much as I cannot imagine being a military spouse, it is even more impossible for me to imagine being a single parent.  I know my wife is coming back.  The military spouse has fear of the worst, but also has hope of the return of their loved one.  The single parent is alone. No one organizing the boxes, or the sitters before they leave, no one to e-mail or chat with once in a while.  No relief. 

I cannot even imagine. 

No wonder God tells us that true religion is to look after orphans and widows in their distress. 

So today, as I am just two and a half days from having my spouse back, I realize that I have been so selfish.  My eyes have been on what I don't have, rather than on all that God has given me. 

Lord, I pray that you will use this experience to open  my eyes to a knew level of loving the people around me.  That I will be able to get my eyes off myself and my problems, and focus on showing love to others who need love and support, who need someone to be Jesus to them.

Vacation

The last vacation I took was in 2007, my wife and I went to Hungary.  Five years and two kids latter, my wife and I took our two boys on vacation again.  This time camping in the White Mountains and StoryLand.  I hope we don't have to wait five years to do it again.

If you want cute pictures and stories, check out my wife's blog Shanbrosia.  Since you are reading my blog you are in for some introspection.  So here are some things I learned:

1: Family time is of infinite value.  Whether it was sharing a dairy free icecream and conversation with my two year old, campfire conversations with my wife, or swimming in the deep end with my four year old, there is simply nothing that compares with the value of quality time.  My favorite moment was visiting the chapel at Storyland with my two year old on my shoulders.  As we left he said "dadda, too bad we not live here, maybe in heaven"  We then talked about God, and heaven, and what Jesus did for us. In the midst of this deep conversation, I asked him how God cleans our hearts, and he cheerfully told me "With a broom".  Not exactly great theology, but a great moment with my two year old.

2: We fail when we fail to plan.  We had a plan for the first two days of our vacation, then we thought we'd play it by ear for a day.  We started off with a train ride, which was awesome, but after a nap and a swim we headed out again, our plan was just to get ice, but we got spontaneous, and headed to the Conway outlets, and it quickly descended into chaos. We pulled into McDonalds for a quick meal, and the boys wanted to play in the play place, which required socks, that we didn't have, so we spent a little extra and bought McDonalds socks (did you know you can buy socks at McDonalds?)  In the first outlet store we visited they had a table of legos for the kids to play with while Shandy shopped, we thought this was a great idea, until we tried to leave, and Isaac started screaming.  The shopping trip got worse from there, and we did that terrible thing that parents some times do.  We bribed them.  "If you are good we can buy a toy"  We'll good was relative, but it happened, then came the toy store.  Silas has expensive tastes, and didn't want anything under $30.00, and we had more crying and fussing, and shame on me I still bought him a toy.  As my wife and I debriefed in the car, on the stressful experience we realized that we both had assumed that the other had wanted to go shopping, neither of us did.  We learned that a little communication and planning goes a long way.

3: The world can survive without me. We unplugged completely.  No radio, cell phones, tv, netflix, computers, nothing that plugged in all weekend.  I have to say that I was anxious about it.  What if one of my teens needed me, could things at church possibly continue with me there to hover over it like a nervous mother hen, what if congress did something stupid, or the Red Sox traded someone!  Well the world kept turning, and nothing catastrophic happened to any of those responsibilities that seem to demand so much of my time.  The lesson here may just be that I am not as important as I think I am.  Or maybe that my responsibilities are not as 'do or die' as I think think they are when I drop everything to take care of them.  So I learned a valuable lesson about my own importance and obsessive need for information...  There is nothing that will teach you humility as quickly as unplugging yourself for a few days and seeing that everything carries on just fine without you.

So there are a few observations from vacation.  I am already looking forward to next year.

Father's Day

Yesterday was my fifth Father’s Day as a dad.  We started the day in our Heavenly Father’s house, and then joined my (local) siblings for lunch with my parents, before going fishing.  After a brief behavioral disruption early in the morning, the kids were on their best behavior.  As I tucked them into bed I praised them for the extra special father’s day gift of good behavior.  But as I closed the door to their bedroom I heard the familiar still small voice of the Spirit whispering a question.  “Why did their good behavior matter so much to you?” 

When the Spirit speaks, I try to listen, to reflect. (notice I said try… to quote my dad, I am very ‘trying’)  Did I appreciate their good behavior because it made my life easier or my day more enjoyable?  Should that be the reason I want them to behave?  Or is there something deeper… should there be something deeper?

Yesterday while fishing, my 2 year old got cold.  Not unexpected when you splash around in a river in Maine.  The breeze I appreciated because it kept he black-flies away, went right through him and he let me know. Loudly and Often.  As I kept telling him, “It’s okay buddy, you’ll be fine” as I kept fishing, that same still small voice reminded me “Fathers, do not exasperate your children”. 

I had to ask myself, was I on that river with my kids to fish, or to be with my kids.  Of course I was there because I wanted to do both, but which one was I showing my son was the most important?  When I was ignoring him so that I could keep fishing, was I toughening him up, or teaching him to put others first?  I could have been, and neither of those things would have been inappropriate, but I wasn’t purposefully doing either.  Instead I was trying to keep him just content enough that I could keep doing what I wanted to do without him getting in the way.

QUIZ:  When you are wading in a trout stream with your two year old in a backpack, shivering in your ear, and you suddenly come under conviction do you:

A) decide now is a great time to toughen him up

B) decide now is a great time to teach him to put others first

C) pack up and head home

D) all of the above

I went for D.  I decided to teach by example.  I had to toughen up, and do the hard but right thing. I decided it was a great time to teach him about putting others first, by putting him first, packing up and heading home.  I apologized for not listening to him, for being selfish.

I am not advocating that we give into our kids and do whatever they want all the time.  (I’ve been in youth ministry for the last 12 years and I have dealt with plenty of teenagers who were basically raised that way.)  I am saying that we have to examine our motives.  There is a time to teach our kids to get through unpleasant circumstances.  There is a time to teach them to put others first.  But those kinds of lessons should be taught purposefully, not simply when it is convenient for me, or keeps them quiet while I enjoy my hobby. 

Ultimately we had a great hike out.  Once we got into the woods, the trees blocked the wind.  He warmed up, and our family had a fantastic time together.  That was the purpose of the day after all.

So as I closed the door to the boys’ bedroom, after praising them for their good behavior, I realized that I needed to re-think my motivation as a parent.  Do I teach them obedience, respect, responsibility and trust, so that they will be more pleasant, easier to deal with, and make me look good?  Or do I do it so that they can learn the skills that they will need to love God with all of their heart, soul, mind and strength?  At the end of the day am I glad they were on their best behavior because it made my day better, or am I glad because it shows me that they are learning lessons that will help them be all that God wants them to be?

Father, Thank you for using father’s day to teach me a little bit more about how to be a better Father.  Help me to put what I have learned into practice, and thank you for the opportunity to be a father.