Another Update from the Season Sabbatical...

I haven't updated this blog in a while, mostly because I am taking some good advice.  Someone I respect once wrote, "Don't post publicly what you have not yet worked out privately."  The truth is I've drafted a half a dozen blogs since my last post.  Writing give my thoughts some tangibility and helps me process.  But everything I've written has been missing a conclusion.  Right now Shandy and I both feel like we are coming to the edge of something, but we just aren't quite sure what.  We feel like it is almost time to come out of the cocoon we've wrapped ourselves in for the last six months, but we both feel like there is one more change that needs to happen, we just aren't exactly sure what it is...

So we wait, resting in the quiet of this season, and prepare to move when God moves.

With that said, here are some updates since my last post:

For most of our marriage Shandy and I have tried to keep a weekly date night.  Due to work schedules, and having a kid in school the weekly thing hasn't happened lately, but we did get away for her birthday last month, and we've had a few dates recently that we've been able to make the most of.  We are finding that, because we aren't dating as often, we are having much deeper conversation when we do.   Lately we've been dreaming about the future, and trying to look at the things God has done in and through us in the past to help us plan the next steps.

Most of those dates have come spur of the moment, courtesy of our housemates.  We have quickly become addicted to living in community, especially to living in community with the Booker clan.  We may be sharing our place to live with them, but we often feel indebted to them for the kindness they show. Shandy and I also wonder if Amy has superpowers, because she can single-handedly watch all 6 kids (her 4 and our 2) and still have the house sparkling when we get back, often while managing to squeeze in a blog post of her own or baking something yummy...

Amy ends up watching all of the kids because her husband Kevin and I have been joining a group of guys for a weekly night of basketball, while Shandy works.  For about 2 hours we play a half dozen pick up games with a wide variety of characters who posses a wide variety of skill levels.  The first few weeks I was pretty much a warm body, but I am slowly remembering how to play and it has become a highlight of my week. The games take place at a gym about 20 minutes out of town so we carpool out with 3 other guys. The five of us all attend the church, and I have really enjoyed getting back into a routine of spending time with a group of like minded men.

Speaking of like minded men, another highlight of my week is Thursday night when my friend Lincoln comes over.  We talk about the Word, life, parenting, husbanding, and pray for each other, and occasionally play a board game.  It has been good to have a brother to hold me accountable during a season of life where I am not fully settled into a church community.

Our boys are going through growth spurts.  The height gap between the Hodsdon boys and Booker boys has close significantly in the last 3 months, and while their physical growth has been impressive they've also been growing in other ways.  Silas is learning to read, to the point where he reads and writes just because it is fun to use his new skill.  Isaac is leaving behind the last bits of toddler-hood and becoming a full fledged kid.  His capacity for learning is blossoming as only the mind of a 4 year old can.  (I think in heaven we will all be 4 years old... I don't have any theology to back that up, I just think it is the age of human perfection).  Both boys have also been growing in their spiritual thinking as well. They are asking good questions, and making connections between life situations and things we read in the Bible.  It is a beautiful thing...

4 Months

It's been 4 months, since I started this Sabbatical, and I think I've started to turn a corner.  Looking back, The first few months were about getting my head clear, getting to a place where I could read the Bible and pray without overwhelming emotions.

New Year's Eve is what really did it for me.  14 years in a row I organized an all night New Year's party for teenagers.  This year, while my wife worked, I sat at home and cried.  It certainly wasn't the first time I have cried since leaving my church, but this time it was different, not motivated by hurt, frustration or the deep sense of loss over the relationships that are no more...  No, this time it was because I wasn't serving.

This time I cried, because I remembered how New Year's Eve was the time when something would change with the students we were serving.  Each year at this time there would be a subtle shift, something about the shared experience of being up all night, long talks and goofy experiences that paved the way for deeper relationships and life change.  I cried because that wasn't happening this year.

It was good to finally get to peal back all of the temporary earthly circumstances, and just face what's eternally important, God's mission and His calling.

Another Sabbatical Update

The Sabbatical continues, but feel like I am starting to learn some of the lessons I need to learn. 

I am getting into a better rhythm of spending time in the Word, and have enjoyed unpacking Acts, Romans and Corinthians.  One of the high points of my week is Thursday night when a good friend comes over and we discuss what we’ve been learning from the word, and pray through those areas of our lives that God is trying to refine.  It has been so good to have someone holding me accountable, and praying for me on this journey through uncharted territory.

One of my biggest concerns heading into this Sabbatical was wondering where I would find people with whom I could process my thoughts.  I come to better conclusions when I can talk things out and get other perspectives.  (This desire to get other peoples’ perspectives is one of the reasons that I started blogging)  Thankfully, God had a plan for that, and had my Sabbatical start up the same time he had some of our best friends, and their 4 kids, move in with us.  The community that we are sharing has been such a blessing, in that it simultaneously has allowed me to withdraw from most things, without withdrawing completely.  I have a brother I can bounce ideas off, extra kids to love on, and people I can serve; even it is just by playing with an adorable baby for a few minutes while her momma does chores.  Having built in playmates for my kids has also given me time to exercise, stack my wood, and find quite minutes to read.

We’ve found a church where we can ‘hide’.  By that I mean we’ve found a place where we can worship, and listen to practical teaching without feeling the need to be social.  We know this is not ideal, but it is a step in the right direction for us.  Checking out churches after a messy separation feels like I imagine dating would feel after your spouse has died… Maybe it is a healthy part of moving on with life, but mostly it’s just awkward, especially at the beginning...  That said, it has been good to see my kids learning from people who are investing time during the week into finding ways to make God’s word come alive to little minds.  There is nothing quite like hearing your 3 year old tell you that he won’t be afraid because, as he says “I know God is always with me, so it would be silly to be afraid!”, especially when that was the bottom line from last Sunday’s lesson for preschoolers...

But Isaac isn’t the only one who has been learning.  I’ve been challenged by a few of the messages as well.  One talked about how much more effective the truth is when it comes from a joyful person.  This really hit home, because one criticism I received at the end of my time at Calvary Baptist was that I always seemed ready for a fight.  I realize now that this put people on the defensive and made them less likely to listen to what I had to say, no matter how right I may have been.  If the same truth had been delivered with a smile instead of a scowl, it might have been more effective.  I had lost heart and become wearing in doing good.  Because of that fatigue, I was short tempered and irritable.   

I learned Galatians 6:9 in the NIV which says “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”  I took the verse a reminder not to quit when I became weary” But really the verse says “DO NOT BECOME WEARY”.  The NASB says more clearly: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary”.  Hear we see that weariness itself can have a negative, even catastrophic impact on the outcome of our service to God.  There is a connection between the attitude (heart) that we bring to doing good and the effectiveness of it. 

It isn’t as though we shouldn’t be passionate.  Paul, who said “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” also said, “I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart.  For I wish that I myself were cursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my people, those of my own race, the people of Israel.” He was clearly passionate.  But something kept that passion from becoming crippling frustration and bitterness. 

I am not sure what that something was.  Perhaps it was in realizing that we are responsible for our own obedience, and not responsible for convincing others to obey?  Jesus shared the truth but finally said, “Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing.  Look, your house is left to you desolate.”  He knew that the responsibility to respond was ultimately on the hearer.  He told his disciples “If the home is deserving, let your peace rest on it; if it is not, let your peace return to you.  If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.”  He didn’t say “find a different way to make them listen” he said something much more like “brush it off and go find someone who will listen”. 

Maybe the secret is in knowing when to withdraw and move on.  Jesus practiced this, He trained His disciples to do it, and Paul certainly did.  They all faced a certain amount of adversity, but also knew when to call it a day, and when to pack it up and move on.  Then again, Jesus faced the stress of his ministry by frequently withdrawing to lonely places to pray. Maybe it isn’t about quitting, maybe it is about finding ways to unplug and blow off steam before you boil over.  Maybe regular withdrawal needs to be part of my discipline?  Or maybe “Suffering brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint.”  Such hope, that the One who called you to do something is able to do it, even when you are not, may prevent you from losing heart when circumstances cause great sorrow and unceasing anguish…  

Sabbatical Thoughts

About a month ago I started a Sabbatical from most everything except my family and my day job.  I started by going out into the woods to get a lone with God, and God was kind enough to meet me out there.

It started with a phone call to my favorite remote camping spot.  When I told the lady on the other end of the line what campsite I was hoping to get she laughed, because it is always booked, but to her surprise, it was open.  On the drive I caught the tail end of a sermon about Uzziah, a king of Judah, and the story intrigued me. (click on his name to read about him) Since I didn't get to hear the entire sermon, I started my time in the Word with his tale.  

In short Uzziah was a king who started well, doing what was right in God's eyes and accomplishing many good things, but he overstepped, and tried to do things that we not for him to do, but only for the priests.  Because of this God gave him leprosy, and he had spend the rest of his life cut off from the people and from the house of the Lord.

In my New America Standard Bible, the section heading for this particular tale reads "Pride is Uzziah's Undoing".  Uzziah had done many good things, and as he became strong he also became proud. This passage acts as a very clear mirror into my own heart... The Word doesn't tell us why Uzziah went into the Temple to burn incense, instead of letting the priests do it, so I speculate that maybe he knew what should be done (burning the incense), but never didn't consider that God had a specific plan for how it should be done. 

My mind tends to glaze over when I read the myriad rules for temple worship that we find in the Bible.  And even though we don't follow that particular prescription for worship today, one fact becomes abundantly clear as we read those rules is that God cares deeply about how we do things and why we do them.  He doesn't just plan the ends, He plans the means.  

Reinforcing this thought was a passage in Acts 13.  Here we read that some men were fasting and praying when they received instructions from God.  But it is what they did next that grabbed my attention.  Rather than jumping right up and acting on those instructions, they continued to fast and pray. When their time of prayer and fasting were ended, they carried out the instructions.  I tend to listen only long enough to get the big picture, then I rush off to do things my own way, in my own strength.  These guys in Acts, heard God while they were fasting and praying, and they kept listening before acting.  

And so my Sabbatical continues, as I strive to learn to listen.

Sabbatical

I am taking a Sabbatical.  Sabbatical (from Latin sabbaticus, from Greek sabbatikos, from Hebrew shabbat, i.e., Sabbath, literally a "ceasing") is a rest from work, or a break, often lasting from two months to a year. The concept of sabbatical has a source in shmita, described several places in the Bible (Leviticus 25, for example, where there is a commandment to desist from working the fields in the seventh year)

I need an extended period of rest and time with God, So I have decided to take a Sabbatical.  A "ceasing" from just about everything.  I'm thinking of it as a type of fast, where I replace the hectic pace of life with lots of time for the Word, and reflection on what my priorities should be.  

I'm can't quit my day job, because my responsibility to my family necessitates working, but I won't be leading a small group, or a youth group for the foreseeable future.  I don't know when it will end, or what life will look like when it is over. But as of today I have resigned from my church and the responsibilities there. 

I've asked 2 brothers in Christ meet with me regularly during this undefined period of time, because I believe that we all need accountability and that Christians need other Christians in order to function.  My wife has done the same with a couple of women.

I'm not going to be blogging during the sabbatical.  I plan to keep Facebook use to a minimum.  My goal is to learn how to listen.  I am not trying to hide from people, so please don't hesitate to reach out via Facebook, Email or phone.  If I am going to to re-learn how to listen, I need to be still and know that He is God.

NOTE:  If you have any questions about what is happening with the youth group at CBC or the Sunday morning small group you should contact one of the deacons at CBC. 

More Eloquent

If you were intrigued by the Big Red Tractor story, then carve out 45 minutes to check out this video of a message Francis Chan gave at the Verge Conference.

I love the point he makes, that if we just opened the Bible without centuries of tradition, we would not do church the way we do it.

I admire the humility with which he says that he and his church haven't figured out how to fix that, but they are working on it.

I am challenged by the idea, that if what we read in Acts was "they met together once a week, sang songs and someone taught, and the next week they did it again" instead of all of the radical commitment, and sacrifice we read about, then no one would have believed their message.

I am intrigued by the surfing analogy he uses, because I have spent so much time kicking trying to create a wave, rather than keeping instep with the Spirit.

I am sick in my stomach when he makes the comparison between how his daughter would treat his command to clean her room, and how we treat Jesus' commands, because I've spent more time memorizing and studying than going and doing, by a ratio of about 10 to 1.

What did you take away?

The Big Red Tractor

One of the blogs that helps me Re-Think is the Verge Network, and they recently posted some challenging content from Francis Chan.  I wanted to pass it along to you.

First is a short video called "The Parable of the Big Red Tractor" Take 5 minutes to watch the video and hear a short explanation from the author.

I have been one of those villagers pushing for all he is worth on the tractor...